Awakenings — How to Use Tantra to Enhance Intimacy
Enlisting our minds, our hearts, and our souls along with our bodies…
By Dr T J Jordan
In conversation with Dr Yasmin E Emory
Our skin is our largest sense organ, covering about 18 square feet on the average adult. Our brain is our most powerful sex organ, capable of turning just about anything erotic. Tantric practices are ways to engage both.
What is the purpose of sex? For many people, the answer is to have orgasms. Sex becomes a rush to climax — and a lost opportunity for deeper connection. It can border on transaction. Most of us yearn for something more.
We speak about slow sex, deep play, and Tantra. But what do these actually mean? And how do we incorporate them into our sex lives?
The Basics
First, think hours, not minutes. Second, toss out the old idea of foreplay because everything is the main act — and all of our life together is the new foreplay. Third, don’t expect to be turned-on-hot (with erect penis and dripping vagina) during the whole experience. Now, stop rushing and take time to play.
Whether we call this slow sex, deep play, or Tantra, we need to set the tone for the experience of ecstasy. And then we need to lose our inhibitions and try some things that are new.
Here are some suggestions:
— Locate a different goal.
Lose the focus on p in v “intercourse.”
Orgasms will happen — but the goal is to build connections that build arousal that, in its turn, builds bonds.
— Enjoy the journey — it will make your destination glorious.
Explore breath work. Synchronize your breathing with each other and then alternate — breathe in the breath that your partner exhales. Your heart rates eventually will synchronize as well.
Use eye gazing. Look behind and beyond the physical structures. Look with the eyes of your heart.
— Create your sacred space thoughtfully.
Please your senses with candles, incense, music, oils.
Remember that the bed is your most important piece of furniture — prepare it well. If you use other fixtures — massage tables, sex furniture, toys — have them at hand. Select the fragrances, the lighting, and the music that work for both of you.
— Find your own rituals.
Every time we touch our beloved, we get as close as is possible to the divine. Separate from any religious leaning, we have the power to create a sacred experience when we love.
Make your experiences dynamic. Have languid lunch together. Bathe in a woodland stream. Read to each other. Nurture each dimension of intimate love as often as possible.
— Explore like beginners.
Learn again and learn more deeply about your partner. Experiment with alternate sensations on alternate locations.
Try temperature play with ice and the special wax that melts at lower temperatures. Try using a Wartenberg wheel to awaken the skin. Use a blindfold to focus attention on touch. Try to incorporate erotic sound. And enjoy your playtime.
— Protect your time carefully.
Schedule your lovemaking hours. We schedule those events that are important to us. And lovemaking is important for our health and wellbeing, as well as for the future of our relationships.
Make it a priority.
The Wrap
At its most important stage, Tantric sex is the merging of souls that makes use of our bodies. It turns touch into a divine force that gives new meaning to the idea of sacred. And when we have an orgasm in this realm of intimacy, it is a soul-shuddering catharsis — not a localized release of parts below the belt.
We worship the universe when we dare to worship another human being. And when we touch this immensity, we know that we have arrived at the very best life has to offer.
(Dr TJJ: For my partner)
(Find out about scheduling a free thirty minute individual or couples therapy session with me here or email me at tjj@jordantalkspace.com. I am a concierge clinical psychologist in private practice with an emphasis on remote sessions. I provide practical psychological strategies to enhance love, sex, and intimacy, as well as personal growth. I combine life lessons with clinical psychology in a mentorship framework. Together we collaboratively explore ways to celebrate self and self-in-relationship.)
Many thanks for reading!
