Good Sex — What Happens When We Don’t Get It

Dr T J Jordan
4 min readApr 29, 2023

Life without partnered sex creates problems for most of us.

Photo by Romi Yusardi on Unsplash

By Dr T J Jordan

Sex with a well-loved partner does many good things for us in addition to giving us the release of orgasm. It relieves skin hunger and it bathes us in feel-good chemicals. Good sex confers protection from depression and anxiety. It might even extend our lives.

So — what happens when we stop getting good sex or when we don’t have a good sex life? And how important is good sex to our moods?

The Downside

Not all sex is good sex. There’s the obligatory sex we perform in unhappy relationships, the lonely rush to orgasm we chase when we’re desperate, the trauma of non-consensual sex, and the transactional sex for which we pay. Not all sex bathes us in bonding, feel-good chemicals.

When we feel unwanted — even if we’re going through the motions of sex — we experience abuse instead of loving acceptance and comfort. Our “orgasms” are localized genital sensations rather than soul-shuddering, transcendent trips into a realm beyond.

While women speak more about aversion to undesired sexual contact, men speak more about the emotional wounds of being unwanted. Good sex is the invitation for another to share our bodies. Bad sex is a loss of intimacy in the service of something else, whether our own desperate urges or those of someone else. We all suffer when we attempt sex in a climate of indifference — even with orgasm, we can experience rejection.

We arrive in the world pre-wired to seek pleasure and social connection. Good sex with a beloved partner happens at the intersection of both these needs. Good sex is an important psychosocial activity.



Dr T J Jordan

Passionate about sexualities, masculinities, relationships, intimacy, mental health, CPTSD , animals, growth, psychology, and exotic locations.