We Must Stop Hiding Our Sexual Selves

If we hope to find intimate compatibility, we need to reveal our sexualities at the start.

(Photo by Will O on Unsplash)

By Dr T J Jordan

A male friend tells me about his frustration with dating apps that promise relationships yet skirt the crucial issue of sexuality. Women don’t reveal their sexual desires for fear of being objectified, while men refrain from revealing their sexual needs in order to avoid being seen as predators.

We hide our sexualities from prospective partners because we try to avoid rejection. When we finally attempt to date, we start out blind to some of each other’s most important needs.

My mom taught me that sex was one of the most important components of love, and that great sex is essential for happy marriages. How can we hope to find partners for long-term relationships if we don’t let them know what kind of sex we need?

In Iceland, we see a dramatic contrast to our fears of prioritizing sex. Couples who are attracted to each other typically have sex before deciding to begin dating. Sexual compatibility is addressed before a deeper connection is built or significant time is spent with someone who doesn’t fit.

Here are some questions about sex that people want to know about each other before getting deeply involved:

1. Are you likely to accept my naked body, warts and all?
2. Can I expect to be comfortable telling you about my kinkier sides?
3. If I haven’t gone beyond vanilla, will you be okay with my limits?
4. Can we challenge traditional gender roles together?
5. Are you willing to take sex as a building block for intimacy?
6. If I don’t know what I’m doing, will you enjoy leading me?
7. If I’ve had traumatic experiences, will you accept those gently?

Any gender can ask these questions of any other. We live in cultures that prioritize appearance over intimacy. We worry about being imperfect and we permit that worry to interfere drastically with the pleasures we give and receive.