Toxic Shame in Men

Shame can become toxic for all genders, but for men, shame presents a particular catch-22.

(Photo by Kat J on Unsplash)

By Dr T J Jordan

We give our boys very conflicting messages. We teach them to pursue strength and to avoid weakness. We warn them not to be overly emotional. We tell them not to cry. Yet, we require them later to be emotionally available in intimate relationships. Catch-22!

We show displeasure when our boys and men engage in “unmanly” behaviors. We champion the virtues of femininity. Yet, we hypocritically value femininity only as long as boys don’t show any of this supposedly positive trait.

What are boys told when they cry? Don’t be a wuss. You’re a pussy. Man-up! Stop acting like a girl! We use anti-female language to denigrate boys.

When boys don’t meet our expectations, we teach them to feel shame. IN FACT, WE TEACH THEM TO ENGAGE IN TOXICALLY SHAMING THEMSELVES.

THE SEEDS OF TOXIC SHAME ARE SOWN IN CHILDHOOD, BUT TOXIC SHAME TYPICALLY IS MAINTAINED DURING ADULT RELATIONSHIPS BY UNEMPATHIC, EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE, AND ANGRY ADULT PARTNERS.

Male children who receive early initiation into toxic shame feel insecure, unlovable, and emotionally fragile from the start. They develop a negative internal dialogue that focuses on their perceived inadequacies to the exclusion of their positive attributes.

During adolescence and adulthood, cultural norms around masculinity condone and maintain rather than challenge this toxic shame.

We fail to teach our boys that in emotional vulnerability lies their greatest strength and their boldest courage. We also fail to teach our boys to see strength in what is feminine.

Being emotionally vulnerable requires risk. Risk requires courage. The exercise of courage builds resilience. And resilience makes us strong in a flexible way. Resilience helps us bend with the trials of life rather than snap and break.

The shocking paradox is that we really aren’t teaching our boys and men strength at all, but rather a dangerously rigid way of viewing the male self that leads to frightening emotional weakness. We are teaching them to be ashamed of their human emotions, and to keep…