The Great Intimacy Challenge: Alternative Models of Loving

What would you do to keep the flames of your passion from fading?

Photo by The Cleveland Museum of Art on Unsplash

By Dr T J Jordan

There are times when we need to push the edges of our intimacy. But knowing when to push — and how— is difficult and scary. These edges are both emotional and physical — and they are sexual.

The honeymoon phase of our love can last forever, but we practice the false belief that passion fades. We accept boredom because it masquerades as safety. And we wallow in stale versions of comfort too long — often long enough for lethal resentments to arise.

There are risks that build closeness — and there are others that destroy. When we’re considering alternatives, this above all is crucial: Take the position that you are together in your coupledom, looking outward at shared possibilities — don’t wait until you become fractured adversaries who are tired of trying to love each other.

Some Options

There are two major ways that we co-create our adventures in intimacy that enhance our sexual passions for each other. They are WITHIN and BEYOND.

WITHIN our coupledom, we can import kink, role-reversal, porn, toys, fantasy games, and more. BEYOND our coupledom means inviting others to join our sex play. These adventures include polyamory, swinging, voyeurism/exhibitionism, and open relationships.

The big risk in engaging with new options is realizing our vulnerability. We fear the risk of being exposed as less than the ideal lover, less skilled or less attractive than someone else. We fear loss and we fear “going too far.”