Let’s Get Rid of the Word “Virgin”

This perspective of a “one and done” event is hurting us.

Photo by Francois Olwage on Unsplash

By Dr T J Jordan

The term “virgin” has long been used to embarrass boys and to value/devalue girls. Either way, it’s hurtful. We don’t always have access to lovers — and we don’t have power to rewrite the factual narratives of our lives.

We do all manner of things with the people we love, and yet we’re still hooked on a single p in v event to mark our passage into the “adult” world of sex. Even the greater acceptance of gay sexuality has not succeeded in shaking loose this anachronistic heterosexual tradition.

We wind up placing too much importance on what frequently is an early and disappointing brush with partnered sex — and what typically winds up as masturbation with someone else’s body. “Losing our virginity” can help us sate our curiosity, but it often marks our membership in a universe of loneliness and empty hearts.

Meanwhile, we’re taught that our self esteem should somehow be calculated by our sexual mileage, especially if we’re male. We’re taught to view sex as an index of our desirability instead of an evolving pathway to intimate connection.

The Wrong Rite of Passage

When we first dabble at the edges of sexuality, we haven’t yet learned about connecting love with sex. This will take us years if not lifetimes.

We wind up disappointed that our first experience of sex was not all that it was “supposed” to be. Sometimes we assume that what we felt is as good as it gets — and we don’t realize that we can reach for something more meaningful. We don’t understand that our young experiences were little more than the expression of inborn urges toward procreation.

We rush to get rid of “virginity” as quickly as possible…