Four Ways to Avoid Toxic Love

Dr T J Jordan
6 min readJun 6, 2021

Intimate loving relationships are far more joy than pain and work!

(Photo courtesy of Unsplash)

By Dr T J Jordan

We try to look forward with hope.

We think and write often about the benefits of love and sex and how to improve our relationships. For example, take a look at the number of these kinds of articles on Medium.

We ask what more can we give to or do for our partner? How can we add to their joy? How can we move past the untrustworthiness of our partner’s affairs? How can we give them what they have not experienced before? How can we provide them greater physical pleasure? What can we do for them when they need us?

If you’re reading this article, you are likely to identify with the “we” because you are one of the many of us, male, female, non-binary, LGBTQ, etc., who try until we find ourselves in some ways broken by our fruitless, failed attempts to provide happiness to our partners through intimate love.

One of the best things I learned while training with the late Albert Ellis is that loving relationships are NOT PAINFUL WORK. IF WE FIND THAT WE ARE WORKING HARD INSTEAD OF ENJOYING MUCH, WE HAVE MADE A MISTAKEN MATCH!

Learning that lesson after being taught by others that relationships are a lot of hard work gave me wings of freedom! I spread those wings and found out that Ellis’s teaching was true.

But we all have made mistakes. Sometimes we write and think also about the ways we can heal from those mistaken matches, from love we have given in abundance that has ultimately broken us.

How often when in love do we choose to think or write about how it can destroy us? We would rather push these ideas aside as we suffer despair and unhappiness, while we attempt to reach for joy. Yet our reach continues to exceed our grasp. We each deserve to exercise a measure of self protection from what could be agony instead of ecstasy.

Point One

If our partner does not hold love in the same high esteem we do, we will see it quickly if only we know where to look.

In spite of his/her claims of not having been loved or loved well before, BEWARE. Every one of us has been hurt in love, from young children abused and neglected by…



Dr T J Jordan

Passionate about sexualities, masculinities, relationships, intimacy, mental health, CPTSD , animals, growth, psychology, and exotic locations.