Do We Really Forgive and Forget?
We actually do some of each, but not as easily or as often as the slogan would suggest, especially in our intimate relationships.
By Dr T J Jordan
Forgetting is a cognitive act. Forgiving is emotional. There is a world of difference between the two.
The adage "forgive and forget" suggests that we can make a conscious decision to forget — to avoid thinking about or remembering the transgressions that upset us. This means something different from what we usually mean when we can’t remember someone’s name or where we left the car keys. It speaks to us subtly of repression.
Sometimes we don't want to forget the wrongs that our partners have committed. We mistakenly believe that by resurrecting these wrongs, we can use guilt and blame to wield power in our relationships. We think that we can use past wrongs to win arguments or to persuade our partners that our opinions are right.
And we are afraid to forgive. We are afraid to grant true absolution to our partners because we believe that forgiveness might be misinterpreted as permission to repeat the behaviors that wounded us.
We believe that forgiveness magically changes the value of the behavior from offensive to acceptable — and we don't want to imply that it's okay to persist. We want to use our anger and our resentments to set boundaries because we think that forgiving makes us weak and vulnerable to more pain.
We don't seem to understand that in forgiveness lies great power, though not the magical power to rewrite the nature of the injury. To truly forgive is to take the high road — to stop rationing our love as a reward given only for good behavior. In forgiveness lies the overwhelming strength to love unconditionally.
Without forgiveness, our all-too-human, imperfect relationships will not be capable of attaining deep intimacy or…
